Monday, March 31, 2008

Tirade Part Deux

Okay, I spent some time in an earlier posting speaking of the desire to turn this blog into a space for which to express my ire at the world. Then I went ahead and posted two touchy feely things. I have to admit that these pieces were meant for the website - I sometimes forget where I am. I am also at odds as to which person is writing at any given time. Is it the razor sharp future Rolling Stone columnist (someone needs to fill in the gap created when Hunter S. Thompson died) or the soft spoken kindly old man who loves life and lives in PollyAnnaland? Who knows, I think I am on the blog but maybe…

Anyhow, this is what is coming out of my fingers at this moment. I am perplexed and baffled. I recently visited the grave of My Dear Sainted Mother and came to a decision. I would not like my family and friends to come and visit a patch of land that holds what is left on my human remains. If you know me, then you know that I believe that when I am gone I will be somewhere else … hopefully writing about my new life.. I also do not need to take the Journey with the idea in my feeble brain that I left a bill for my funeral. While I know it is an inevitable part of life, I want my family and friends to be free to mourn or celebrate my life without someone handing them a bill on their way out the door. I have decided to donate my body to science.

That being said, I come to the reason for this particular tirade. I called a medical school associated with the university I attended and they turned me down!

Visions of worthlessness, and insignificance abounded in my head. I cycled through several emotions and almost threw things about my apartment. Why am I not worthy of having your medical students play Operation with my body? Here I am being all philanthropic and charitable, and they fucking tell me that I am not good enough!!! Fuckers!!!

The reason was that they do not accept cadavers from people who are obese. I have been obese all my life. I have attempted to lose weight and have, at times, lost a great deal of weight. The only way I could accomplish this was through surgery. It did not last. I am once more an extremely rotund man. I have a number of ailments, some associated with my obesity, and some not. My belief is that between the things that are wrong with me physically, and the disease of addiction I have, they might be able to find a way to relieve the world of these maladies.

Then again, what exactly is wrong with me? Is it that I am fat? Or, is it that society believes that obesity is wrong? It is a struggle I have fought all my life. I have had to compensate in many ways to get the places in life. I have been the brunt of fat jokes all my life. The first thing someone thinks about me is that I am fat. I have a great many talents other then the ability to consume mass quantities of food. I am not stupid, I am not some kind of monster, and I am not disgusting

Oh boo hoo, look at the fat man whining about his life. Well some svelte double-digit IQ is probably saying that right now. Fuck him/her. I have a new supervisor who, without my agreement, presented me on his first day at my campus with a diet plan. I get people all the time tell me I look good or ask the most enraging question one can ask an obese person…Have you lost weight? Is telling me that I look good real, or is it that they have a desire to say something nice as a replacement for what they really think? Who the fuck cares?

I am fully aware of the realities of my condition and the ensuing maladies associated with my weight. I do not want to be fat. For some reason I am not privy to, this is the way the Good Lord chose to make me. Who am I to doubt him? “Christians” accept that God made them in His image. Perhaps he also made me in his image. The world overly populated and most of those people are just like me to some extent. There is a whole bunch of us out there in need of compassion instead of judgment. Acceptance instead of derision. Tolerance instead of contempt. Love instead of hate.

I mean, society is told every day on television, in newspapers and magazines, and any other media I have neglected to mention, that if they get fat, they will fail at life. I am not a failure! Is it wrong to be larger then the next guy? I do not think right and wrong can be ascertained through by a person’s physical characteristic. If I were in a wheelchair, I would not face the same issues. I would face an entire different set of prejudices. There are opportunities for disabled people everywhere, but how many of those accommodations are in place for obese people? How would you like to get on an airplane or some other form of public transportation only to be informed that if you wanted to be comfortable you would need to purchase a second ticket…even though you are only one person? How would you like to attempt to quietly be charitable only to be told that your donation is not worthy enough?

I realize the fact that this blog is read mostly by my friends and family, who all accept and love me. I am simply putting words to my feelings on something that affects me every time I wake up. I am not looking for an answer to my dilemma, and will vehemently resist any seemingly altruistic “suggestion” on how I could feel better about myself. I do not want to receive any more diet plans from people who, while thinking they are being kind, are really being cruel.

Well, enough. I am finished for now. I wish no replies to this post, and will take any offered as an insult. Know that I love those who read me, regardless of whether you agree with me or not. I am sufficient just the way God made me. The best way I can close is to resort to one of the lesser used slogans in the Twelve Step Program I attend. “Love me where I am at, or leave me the fuck alone!!!”

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