Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw:

It comes to me that a level of clarification is in order. I sit at the keyboard wondering about this medium we are participating in. To wit: the World Wide Web. Initially a result of the Soviet Union beating us into space and the ensuing propagation of the Cold War, it has become a bludgeon onto itself.

As you know (basically because you’re reading this) I have a presence on this informational conduit. Pursuant to that presence I must also partake of that most auspicious of activities we call e-mail. It has offered me both aggravation and inspiration.

I received many solicitations of dubious distinction; I have been informed by person or persons of foreign demeanor that I am the fortunate recipient of 789,253,216, 754,045,824,800,172,408,364,872,982,471,693,804, 821,432 Dollars, Euros, Pounds or Pounds Sterling. I have been informed of a like amount available to me by way of government grants. I have a myriad of folks wishing to save me from the desperate, derelict life I am leading through the judicious use of information I already have, or could obtain easily, and will give this respite for a one time donation (of the same amount as my previous benefactors) to the Great and Good Revelational Theosocialological Psychoglorius Cathedral of the One True Enlightened Path to Eternal Illumination Elucidation Amplification, and Clarification Church just two blocks south of the Juvenile Attention Center on the North Loop, right next to Flaco and Julio’s used tires and lawn service.

I can go to school to be anything from a CPA to a Proctologist. I can be all that I can be (regardless of my Honorable Discharge) in the Army. I can be given millions of dollars of goods and service absolutely free as long as I respond to three sponsor offers. I can make that same 789,253,216,754,045,824,800,172,408,364,872,
982,471,693,804,821,432 Dollars, Euros, Pounds or Pounds Sterling working part time from home. And lastly, I can reply to the hundred of Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: emails I get from people I know, or do not know.

Where once the Net was for the protection of the Democratic Universe as we wished we knew it, it has now become a much more insidious attack on mankind. I do, however, suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous cyber fortune with a willing heart and a patient mind. I am aware that all I have to do if I get something I do not like is…not read it.

I am the most fortunate of men in that I have a legion of kind, loving folks that send me these e-mails offering me blessings, or money if I forward the mail to “all in my address book.” Why. They sent it to me, I have to resend it or…or…or NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! I think that is the essence of this form of correspondence. It is not necessarily about what you will get as much as it is about that nothing is going to happen as a result of you sending it on. God will not bless you a hundred thousand times, you will not get rich in proportion to the number of people you annoy by passing it on. Therein lies the rub. If you see something that is written in a way that conveys a positive, loving message, why not let it be just that? If I don’t choose to share it with someone I do not like in the first place then, I can hope somebody else shares it with my enemies so these antagonists of mine can annoy others instead of me when they respond to cuss the poor ignorant fool out for sending them such tripe. I already have enough people pissed off at me. Why would I want any more?

I am a self confessed sender of such as I have described. I do it for a number of reasons. The blessings I send on for that specific reason. To bless those I have affection for. I require no reply. I require no action on the part of the recipients of these blessings. I send them because they are, quite simply, a nice thing to do for someone you love.

I will confess to engaging in a cyber war with some folks who worship at a different political temple then I. We had an extremely active season what with the recent election. Being on the right side (or should I say the correct side) I have enjoyed the discourse and will continue the banter with certain folks. Disagreeing about politics does not make enemies. Not disagreeing and silently judging is the path of the Haters. All the members of my particular political war of wits are Americans, as am I, and we all understand the rights given us in this great country…and we are all still friends.

I send on the money bribes because it works. Not for everyone, but it certainly works for me. 100% of the time. Every time, and I mean every time I have sent on an e-mail that said I will receive money if I do…I do. Receive money, that is. No, I have not been given the keys to Shangri-La, but I have received some remuneration for each forwarded e-mail. Most of this comes from opportunities given me through my web presence by way of easy to perform freelance writing gigs. Some of it comes from scratch-off lottery tickets. Some of it comes from vendors in my life who give me money back for being a faithful customer. Regardless of the source, I receive cold hard cash every single time I send on one of these “make you rich from passing on a bullshit e-mail” schemes. Being raised in a capitalistic regime, I am not going to mess with something that works. I am going to take the money and run…straight to the Cherry Garcia store!

So, what is left? Well, I certainly hope I haven’t nurtured any level of ire in those reading. I will say that if I have, in fact, created anger in some, then I will tell you that the best thing I can say is…DON’T READ ANY MORE OF MY E-MAILS. To those who believe this is drivel, I wish you well amongst the dammed of the cyber world. To those who know me, know that I love you and wish nothing but good things when I send you a Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: e-mail. Peace.

P.S If you don’t believe the thing about the money, send me one and see if I don’t ask you out to lunch.

2 comments:

Simon said...

hey i got a check for $2500 over here for you

john s.

T. lloyd said...

Cash it and spend it on the family for Christmas.